Over the weekend I went to see The Girl On The Train. I’d read the book, so I knew the storyline and I was really happy that the movie didn’t disappoint. It was just as intense and suspenseful as the book.
For those who haven’t seen the movie yet, or read the book, I won’t give anything away. But I highly recommend checking either one out.
A very brief summary- The main character is Rachel Watson. Her husband has left her for another woman, and she is struggling to get her life back together.
She’s an alcoholic and rides the commuter train into New York City every weekday. She acts like she’s going to work.
However, she was fired from her job over a year ago. All because of her drinking problem.
The movie takes twists and turns. It’s really entertaining for anyone who enjoys a suspenseful plot.
But for those who have struggled with alcoholism, it’s a real account of how bad things can get.
I love that to the normal passerby, Rachel looks pulled together. She dresses the part of a normal 20 or 30 something. She’s just on the train heading in and out of the City for her job at a public relations firm.
All the while, she is sipping vodka out of her water bottle. She’s also having nightly blackouts.
The guilt and self-hatred many alcoholics feel is beautifully portrayed by Emily Blunt. The sadness of wishing for the past, back before alcohol had taken over her life, is completely tangible.
Her hands shake. Her eyes are watery. She is clearly someone who doesn’t believe they have any worth.
The screenwriters clearly paint the picture of someone stuck in the loop of alcoholism.
Rachel is filled with sadness because she can’t get pregnant. She drinks to numb the pain. Over time, the drinking causes more problems, including strain in her marriage. In turn, she drinks to numb that. Soon she is completely dependent on alcohol because every aspect of life is too much.
After a night of drinking, she is quick to assume she has done horrible things. Things like starting a fight or having made a scene in public.
She’s quick to apologize the moment she wakes up. She always believes she has one something horrible while blacked out.
I think the movie does a particularly great job of showing the emotions many female alcoholics deal with every day.
It seems many men many lean on their ego and pride to fend off calls from loved ones to stop drinking. I think the opposite is true for many women.
We feel guilt, remorse, and shame from the moment our eyes open in the morning until we pass out at night.
Family members yelling and getting frustrated is certainly within their right. However, it doesn’t necessarily help a woman who is already filled with self-hatred and disgust with who she is.
In fact, the opposite is often true. It only reinforces what she believes about herself. It makes the desire to drink even stronger. The only change- it tends to be done more and more often in secret.
So what do you do? How do you get out of this loop?
If you are active in the disease right now, I think you have to start with just being open to the possibility that you aren’t a horrible person.
Much like Rachel in the movie, you don’t even have to believe in yourself, yet. But you do have to have a moment of realization that maybe you aren’t the horrible person you’ve come to believe you are.
Then, moment by moment, you trust the small hint of a belief. Slowly foster the belief that you are worth more. That you aren’t here to suffer through life.
Reach out to people. Ask for help. Go to meetings. Literally, take it moment by moment. And slowly, that voice gets louder.
So what happens when the loop plays again? That 99% of you that thinks you are worthless. The voice that tells you to just forget how hard you’ve worked and go back to the way you were.
My advice? Do absolutely everything you can to just try and listen to that tiny- but mighty- 1% of you that believes you deserve more.
And if you have faith, that 1% will get louder and grow. You’ll start to make the shift, and understand that you don’t have to go back to the way you use to be.
Living in recovery can be challenging at times- no doubt.
But living every moment in shame and pain is straight up hell.
Movies like Girl On A Train are strong reminders that no one deserves to live life in the prison of alcoholism. Just being open to the possibility that you deserve more is the first step to a life far more beautiful than you can ever imagine.
