How to stop self hate

About a year ago I ran my first marathon. It was the San Diego Rock n’ Roll Marathon.

Leading up to the race, I became a little obsessed with doing it “right”. I read a ton of books and blogs, followed a training schedule as closely as I could, and did all the visualizations of me crossing the finish line that I could possibly muster.

I thought about running the marathon every day for months. On every run, I focused on preparing for the race.

If a run went great, I worried I won’t be able to recreate it on race day. If a run went poorly, I worried that would be my race day experience.

And I blogged about it. I also Instagrammed the hell out my preparation.

And my poor husband… it was the topic of far too many dinner conversations at our house.

 

Running became stressful and I absolutely tied my self-worth to finishing that race.

 

Why else train for a marathon unless you are going to do well on race day??

Well, despite all my stress, worry, and fear, race day actually went… really well.

I did just about what I expected to do. I finished in 4 hours and 20 minutes, which was ahead of my goal to finish in 4 hours and 30 minutes. I wasn’t in a lot a pain. I actually had a lot of fun. And the look on my family’s face when I crossed the finish line is honestly something I will never forget.

The memory of seeing my mom cry those happy tears still makes me tear up. Like literally. I’m getting misty-eyed now.

So with all that, it’s kind of funny that I’m gearing up to run my second marathon in less than a week and I’ve rarely blogged about it.

And it’s not because I think I have it down. Nope, in fact, my training has been cut short due to tendinitis in my hip and a sprained ankle. If I do this in under 5 hours it will be pretty amazing.

But, despite being prepared to do “worse” than last time, I am actually far happier than I ever was when I was hitting paces and acing my long runs.

 

The difference? Well, really the only difference is my self-worth.

 

Before my first marathon, although I never would admit it, I felt like my self-worth was determined by accomplishing my goal.

And not just the marathon: I’ve realized I’ve done this with most goals I really put my efforts towards. I was focused on the end. The results. I didn’t know how to stop self-hate.

And the same was true for my body image. I had a hard time being okay with my body. The body that had seen me through so much.

It has served me when I have abandoned it. Throughout the depths of my alcoholism, somehow it kept going. And when I’d starve it or over-exercise it in an effort to not hate it, it loved me anyway. When I’d binge eat to soothe the relentless feelings of inadequacy, it didn’t revolt on me.

My heart, my lungs, my mind, they just kept doing their job.

But despite my body’s commitment to me, I would still look at it like a disapproving parent. Like I had tried so hard, but it just wasn’t living up to my expectations.

But after a year of soul searching, daily meditation, and reframing, I feel a very real shift in how I move through this world.

 

My purpose here (and everyone else’s purpose for that matter) is not to create goals and check them off. That is the ego talking.

 

Because when you believe you will find self-love and acceptance as a result of achieving those goals, then your ego is running the show. And that will only lead to needless suffering.

What I’ve come to know is we are all already fully-baked and loved. No achievement, atonement, job title, body weight, or righting any “wrong” will bring us peace.

Nothing can bring us peace, because peace doesn’t have to be brought. You already have it. You just have to remember you have it.

For me, the shift is going from feeling like I need to grab onto certain things – like an achievement, a goal weight, financial security, or stability – to now not being concerned with those things.

I’m not grasping outside of myself to be okay. I’m already just fine.

 

Things can get wiped away or not go as planned, and I’ll still be okay. The only choice I have is how much I want to suffer.

 

Do I want to desperately grab for things outside of myself? Nope.

Do I want to circle in guilt, shame, and remorse when things don’t go the way I thought they should? Nope to that, too.

So how do you let go of this suffering? I’ve found that no matter how strong I feel my personal tale is, it’s not who I am. And it’s up to me to decide if I want to believe in it or let it go.

And the only way to be free of it is you simply have to let it go. No book, retreat, diet, or daily mantra can do it. It’s you realizing it doesn’t serve you. It never has, and it never will.

And then you are free. Free to do anything. From starting a business to running a marathon. Because checking off a goal isn’t the purpose; living life is the purpose.

It’s even easy to respond to some who is angry with you with “I love you,” instead of returning the anger and feeling “disrespected”. You can easily be vulnerable with others because you’re not seeking their approval or praise. You are just extending yourself in love without strings or expectations.

 

The only thing I know for sure is our length of time on this earth is unknown, but our worth is already established and certain.

 

So what to do while we’re here? Love more, stress less, and laugh as much as possible. Not too bad, right?

And if you’re like me, see if you can run 26.2 miles this Sunday, simply for the joy of the experience.