People with a passion have always fascinated me. In high school, my best friend was a ballerina. Like a real one, that danced with ballet companies and went to college on scholarship for dance. She would dance until her feet were cramping and she was exhausted, but she wouldn’t complain. In fact, she didn’t want to stop, but she had to eat and sleep at some point!
I never really got that kind of commitment or passion… until I met alcohol
So let’s start at the beginning (as these things should) – My name is Megan and I’m alcoholic. My sobriety date is August 5, 2011.
I got sober at 31 after struggling with a serious drinking problem for more than a decade. Most of college, I was an everyday drinker. By 25 most of the people around me didn’t realize it, but I was buzzed or flat out drunk 24/7 and 365.
I was a functional alcoholic. I kept a full-time job as an account supervisor at a very busy public relations firm. Married with two step kids, my life seemed normal and happy… on the outside.
But secretly I was living a small, scared life, hiding my drinking from my family – and of course co-workers – constantly worrying that I was going to be found out.
I believed I truly did LOVE alcohol with all my heart and soul, and I seriously could not imagine a life without it
But my family (and my body) couldn’t imagine how I could keep that love affair going. I had the shakes all the time, my face and my stomach were bloated, and my legs and arms were stick thin because I couldn’t eat without getting sick.
I was having seizures and hallucinations more and more regularly and I knew I needed help. My husband stood by my side, loving me through it all, feeling the pain a spouse does when they see the person they love losing their battle with addiction.
On August 5, 2011, after months of hitting bottom after bottom, I decided I was done digging.
That day would be my last bottom. My husband drove me to the emergency room and I asked for help. After medical detox, I went into the Kaiser Permanente 21-day outpatient program, which was followed by a full year of weekly support.
I got a sponsor, who is still my sponsor today. I worked the steps and still try to work them in my daily life- Always #1, most days #11, and the others on my good days.
My first year of sobriety was painful. I had no idea how to live sober. I had been drunk for as long as I could remember, and now I was supposed to find a new life? One I actually liked? I couldn’t fathom it.
I worked through a lot of emotions in the first 12 months.
Tears, anger, and shame – everything that humans should feel – but I had been numb for years, hanging out with my great friends Capitan Morgan and Smirnoff.
But I got through it, and slowly found joy in things I never thought my life would include. When I was sick, the thought of walking to the mailbox was too much. But a year later I ran my first half marathon.
And I made friends – real friends – not like my friends of the past that agreed not to count my drinks if I didn’t count theirs. I started to realize there is a whole world that isn’t just filled with boring things people have to do when they can’t have a cocktail in their hand.
And most of all I woke up and saw – really saw – all the people that had always loved me. All the people that I thought would be better off if I was gone.
They were cheering me on, and come to find out, they actually liked me sober. WHAT? NO WAY!
I know many of you can relate. Maybe the way you fill the hole in your heart looks different than mine did. Perhaps it isn’t alcohol, but instead food, or pills, or controlling each morsel that you put into your body.
Maybe you landed on this blog because things are tough right now and you Googled “sobriety”, just to see what people were talking about.
Or perhaps you’re newly sober and think this sobriety thing really sucks. Maybe you have years under your belt and love to read about other people enjoying a FUN life, one that can be fulfilling without alcohol.
Maybe you don’t have any addiction, and just love the adorable photos of my dogs- which I totally get by the way. In fact, here’s another one just for fun.
No matter the reason, I believe we are all more alike than we are different. Addiction or not, we are all looking for more joy, as well as ways to handle pain that doesn’t bring more pain.
Now when I have a bad day, I don’t drink to “make it easier”, because that would quickly make it shittier.
And when I have a great day, I don’t drink to “celebrate”, because I’m not giving all this goodness up and missing out on enjoying what was great about it to begin with.
I hope wherever you are at this moment, that you feel some peace knowing so many other people can relate you and you aren’t alone. I hope you start to think about ways you can soak up more of life, instead of numbing it out.
