In rehab I had a wonderful councelor with many years of sobriety that told us some things just won’t be as fun when you are sober
It was one of those moments when I felt my heart break, and at the same time a huge weight came off my shoulders.
That’s because when I got sober, I was determined to not limit my activities. I still wanted to go to parties, even if the invitation highlighted the signature cocktail for the evening.
I want to go out to nice restaurants, even if they had beautiful bars and handed you a wine list the size of a book the minute you sat down. I wanted all of this, because I knew from the first few weeks of sobriety, I could never drink like a normal person.
I personally had to made a clean break with alcohol, but I also knew I couldn’t control where it showed up in the world. It’s like living in the same small town as your ex. It’s over, but you know you’re still going to run into them.
But when I heard those words that some things just won’t be as fun anymore, I knew it was also okay to cut myself some slack. I didn’t have to convince myself that weddings, or my Aunt’s 50th birthday celebration, were going to be the same when sober as they were when I was drinking.
And that required a moment of silence, because I’ll be honest- I loved being drunk at those events and celebrations.
Give me an open bar (or cash bar if we’re being real, it didn’t matter), a DJ, and some people that didn’t cut lose all that often, and I was in heaven. I loved bringing a round of shots for my girls on the dance floor or offering to grab Aunt Jane her 3rd glass of wine, even though that is more than she normally has in a month.
But I really loved it because at events like these I felt like everyone “understood” the joy and connection that alcohol facilitates.
Come to find out, many of these people are also able to make this kind of connection (minus breaking into the Chicken Dance) in other situations, too. That wasn’t the case for me, hence the need to put the plug in the jug.
But I’ve learned that it is completely normal to feel like a total dumbass dancing sober at a wedding. And there are also quite a few people on the dance floor that are sober (Hi pregnant friends!!).
Sure they don’t “TOTALLY DIE” when the DJ plays the next song, or try and take over the dance floor with a Britney/Justin dance off, but they can keep a beat.
I’ve even found myself having fun, laughing, and singing along.
I definitely don’t lose track of time and hope the evening never ends, but I also don’t knock over the bride’s Grandma, so all and all, I’m up.
I’ve come to find that reframing is key to experiencing these life moments – some things just won’t be as funny or emotional when sober as they were when I was drunk.
But if I waste time telling myself how much better the situation would be with a dirty martini in my hand, I’ll lose out on the good that is going on right now.
Like listening to people and remembering what they say, helping the bride bustle her dress, or holding my husband’s hand because I love him- and not so I don’t fall.
All those little things mean so much more to me now than leading the group through the motions of the YMCA.
I treasure them.
Maybe you agree, or maybe you are still struggling with things like this. If you are, I really suggest taking a step back and not thinking of how things use to be, but accepting and enjoying all the beauty going on around you in the moment.
And if that doesn’t work, you can always count on the fact that if you get sick on the car ride home, it really was something you ate.
